So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
