highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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