I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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