why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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