My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
