dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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