I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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