woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
