hell yes lets make some ravioli
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
