drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
