Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
