Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
