Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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