tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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