I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
