Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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