The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
