why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
