First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
