I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
