My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
