apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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