remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
