just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
