hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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