those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
