saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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