Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
