Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
