Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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