suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
