and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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