someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
