I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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