i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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