I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
