Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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