listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
