i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
