So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
