I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Randomize
