so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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