If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
