We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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