just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
