im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
