I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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