You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
