Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
