I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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