Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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