Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
