I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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