I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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